By Ferret W. Barfpuddle,
former Disney Imagineer (who isn't?)
and Consultant to the Themed Entertainment Industry.
1) Major companies (Disney, Universal, etc.) lobbing millions onto the bonfire of the Internet, instead of lobbing millions onto the bonfire of Themed Entertainment. Which means that folks who have been coasting for decades are being scrutinized and asked questions like, "Ah...what exactly IS 'blue sky?'"
2) Total Collapse of the "Themed Restaurant" biz (except for the November Orlando launch of "Hannibal Lecter's 'Love To Have You 4 Dinner' People-Teria")
3) What projects are currently being bid out are vastly uninspiring (Dan Quayle Vice-Presidential Library and Potatoe Hut, Lazer Tag Hall of Fame, National Rifle Association "Hit Me With Your Best Shot!" Live Ammo Café N' Shooting Gallery)
Well, I'm not giving up, dammit! I still believe in themed entertainment as an industry! SO WHAT if what's being done is vastly uninspired hackwork created by people who should have retired during the Carter Administration? There's still a HUGE business in making what we've all built BETTER! So how can we do this? How can you, Mr. Park Operator, "plus" your themed entertainment venue? Here are 14 ways...
1) ADD ANOTHER COASTER!!! Another big, scary one. Like, REALLY, REALLY big. And super spooky scary. This never fails. Unfortunately, I've never been able to get anyone to hire me to give them this advice.
2) GET "AMERICAN BARFBAG MANUFACTURERS GUILD" TO SPONSOR NEW COASTER.
3) START A RUMOR (VIA THE INTERNET) THAT A DRUNK GUY GOT KILLED ON YOUR NEW ROLLER COASTER. Guaranteed to increase patronage 20% in a week amongst the Bart Simpson crowd.
4) RE-NAME YOUR MOTION-BASE SIMULATOR THE "TIME MACHINE!!!" Add graphic treatment of clocks going backwards, etc. This will make those crappy late 80's films you're showing seem like "classic museum pieces!"
5) ADD "FREE BEER FRIDAY" Believe me, drinking makes virtually any park a more fun experience.
6) SPECIAL PROMOTION - "GUESS WHICH RUBBERHEAD IS THE UNREPENTENT CONVICTED FELON?" 'Nuff said.
7) GET LOCAL CHAPTER OF THE NRA TO SPONSOR SHOOTING GALLERY - SWITCH TO LIVE AMMO. Charlton Heston will show up to cut the ribbon, guaranteed.
8) HIRE DISGRACED NFL ATHLETE/FELON AS GREETER. They need the money. You need the publicity.
9) FILL DUNK TANK WITH BOILING OIL. PUT LAWYERS ON THE "HOT SEAT." CHARGE $10 A THROW. You'll make millions just from recently divorced dads alone.
10) MAKE EVERY NIGHT "60'S FLASHBACK" NIGHT! This not only excuses the fact that you've failed to upgrade your park - it frames the squalor as "ironic retro-fun!"
11) HOT NEW LIVE ENTERTAINMENT IDEA - CHARGE PEOPLE TO LOOK AT KIDS SKATEBOARDING IN THE PARKING LOT. CALL IT "HOLIDAY ON TAR!"
12) MORE CHURRO CARTS
13) "FIND THE DEAD GUY IN THE LAGOON" Contest. Followed by the "FIND THE DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEE WHO KILLED THE GUY AND DUMPED HIM INTO THE LAGOON" contest.
14) LET PEOPLE IN FOR FREE, AND CHARGE THEM TO GET OUT.
It's us to all of us in the themed entertainment biz to "keep the faith." The alternative - having to get a real job - is unthinkable.
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