A Cranky Journal of Themed Design and Development

By Lawrence J. Lankershim

The World of Themed Entertainment and Design today is in a curious and enfeebled state. Once in the green fields of themed design, hardworking and dedicated individuals could take the design and business highroad to ply their trade and it was of the self-important, glory-grabbing, "well, duh!" design homely-spouting charlatans that we made sport, for the True Believers were not of them and had no reason to employ their rancid door-to-door aluminum siding salesman tactics to do their work.

But that was then . . . and this is now.

Now, the WDI-Universalists, the great giants of themed entertainment and design racket from the ranks of which so many have sprung, has fallen name tag-first into the goopy mire of big-bucks design ennui. The reasons for this are many, but in general, this time of tribulations may be traced back to such short-sighted mentalities as "hey, our stockholders are people, too!" bean counters, "never did trust those free-spending pot-smoking homo Martians, anyway!" project managers, and "what have you done for me lately?" vice presidents.

This dispirited spirit of "anti-renewal" has led to a general malaise in the industry and a potential reshuffling of the centers of power. This, in and of itself, is not necessarily a bad thing: while the Black Plague decimated much of Europe in the 14th century, it did have the effect of helping to redistribute the social order and altering forever the power structure of Europe (well . . . forever until those who had the good fortune, quick wits, and opportunistic "gimmie!" mindset to use the chaos and disorder to become the new bosses -- same as the old bosses -- but not, you know, dead).

During those dark times of dis-ease, the light of knowledge was kept banked and ready for renewal thanks to a dedicated, faithful cadre of hard-working, no-fun-or-profit-making prophets.

Chaos and disorder? Not a bad way to describe the creative end of the themed entertainment biz these days. Except now, it might be time for the faithful to make a buck or two for themselves...

Which Leads Us To . . .

. . . A means to have your creative cake and get paid to eat it, too. How often have you gaped in horrified marvel at "those bums" about you who have the ability to sway the unswayable, to fool the un-foolable, to hocus-pocus their way into all sorts of great and sometimes well-paid situations, falling up from gig to gig, from client to client, from corporate check with seemingly too many zeros on them to recommendations to other corporate Johnnys willing to put too many zeros on checks embossed with their "noms du charlatanism?"

It is time to become the charlatans that you have all so long abhorred!

But with a difference. And that difference is being open and honest about the extent of your charlatan chicanery. Completely, absolutely honest with your clients about the fact that you are there to pontificate and bluster and re-package old themed entertainment walnuts in shiny new plastic bags and, if you have the time and inclination, to actually deliver the goods to the over-paying rubes who were deluded enough by our above mention palaver to actually hire you on. Yes, complete honest about this 49% of all the time. Mostly.

But here's the real "Keyser Soze"-esque twist on the whole tawdry plan: the "I'm a genius! Bend to my will and inflated budget and I'll make you seem as a 'player' to your corporate cronies" is in fact a subterfuge to mask that what you are really doing is giving these pathetic rubes the absolute ne plus ultra of exciting, engaging, imaginative, even (if you feel like it and the catering is sufficiently up to scratch) real, honest to Gawd "edgy" themed design!

The Functional Elements of The Charlatan Design Authority!

Charlatan Concept Consulting

Motto: "Mundus Vult Decipi" ("The World Wants to be Deceived")

Here is where the portion-controlled vegiburger patty meets the automatic grill.

Why do clients ever even want to hire charlatans? Sure, there is that small percentage of gullible clients who did so because they thought that they were really, honestly, truly hiring a deity of design to guide them through the shark-infested waters of their project, not realizing until they hear the ominous (and insanely cliched...but not that such a designation should make it not usable) John Williams "Jaws" musical cue that they are soon to become the filling in a charlatan sandwich. "Gawd, what a nightmare! And he/she/they/it came so highly recommended by a guy I met in the free shrimp cocktail line at the Zamperla party at IAAPA last year!" These poor folks are more to be pitied than mocked: how will they ever learn to trust again?

However this gun-shy rube may still be a good potential client for The Charlatan Design Authority. As Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling, owner of the "Frog and Peach" has observed about making terrible professional mistakes: "I have learned from my mistakes and I think I can probably repeat them almost perfectly. I know my mistakes inside out." Thankfully, The Charlatan Design Authority will be there to protect these souls from the ravages of the old-guard charlatans and pick up huge bucks in the process.

However, the majority of the charlatan-hirings are done so with at least some knowledge of the sham that is soon to befall the hierer. And that's OK, for what is really being hired isn't clear and exciting design, but rather the show of hiring a over-the-top wacko to show to the whole of the world (or at least to the cronies of the person doing the hiring) that they are hip enough to actually allow this loony-tune into their otherwise orderly world to "shake things up." How forthright, hip, and daring of the client! The results obtained from a classic charlatan is so non-substantial, the client can use it to terrorize their in-house or usual design teams while not being committed to actually doing much of anything.

It's no secret that the more work that's actually done, the smaller the overall financial return. The real money in the themed design racket is in concept design, not in overseeing that the fabricators are really using the specified quality materials as opposed to cardboard and poster paints.

So if concept is more profitable than completion, how much more cash can be racked in if your part in the overall scheme is to create the concept for the concept? Lots, plus the perks of first-class travel and really good charette chow, besides!

The secret here is "location, location, location." Not of your offices, of course, but where you are seen when you are in full-bore charlatan self-promotion mode. The process of becoming a professional crypto-charlatan may be accomplished in just three easy steps:

Step One: Beg, threaten, blackmail . . . or even ask to get onto the panels of notable seminars at IAAPA, E3, TED, AAM, and other initial-heavy gatherings of wide-eyed sheep with no self-confidence or self-control.

Step Two: Show up early to the conference and late to the panel discussion. Remember, this whole thing is about crypto-networking (that is, networking your guts out while making it seem that you're above all of that sort of over-eager business) and not about actually participating in open and informed discussion. The real trick will be to find the panels staffed by the usual "old guard" of professional charlatans. Be certain to be seated on the other end of the conference table from them so that while the others on the panel -- especially the target charlatans -- are talking, you can get up, stretch, make cell phone calls, chat-up the career apparel-wearing sponsors of the seminar, grab a free cup of conference coffee, endless foam cups of free Dippin' Dots, etc.

Step Three: Make way for charlatan stardom!

Next, we have . . .

The Charlatan Design Group

Motto: "Pecuniam Habere Nobis Necesse Est" ("Because we need the money")

The actual design aspect of the company, the one in which actual clients would have to be addressed met with in over-decorated meeting rooms and have to gorge yourself on corporate catered chow and write on 5X7 cards with fresh, soon-to-be stolen Sharpies.

On Day One of this scheme to rewired the world of themed entertainment and design, The Charlatan Design Group will, obviously, have no projects under it's collective belt with which to "wow" the rubes. This is a good thing; heck, it will be a point of pride and celebration! In fact, after the check of the 100th client has been cashed and the money spent, the impression should still be given that you've ever really done any real work. Real charlatans don't do work; they offer up illuminated insight to be interpreted, Delphi-like, by others. And they certainly never see a project through from before the beginning to after the end: steel in the ground-type projects are for plebian designers, not Geniuses! Besides, what kind of charlatans would you be if you were to get excited about what actually was done?

OK, so there might be a few odd Nervous Nelly-types out there with projects that you really, really want. Fine. You then openly and dishonestly pass off projects on which you've worked as possibly, sorta-kinda having been a part of The Charlatan Design Authority oeuvre. Of course, to maintain the proper charlatan image, you should show pictures and documents with the originating company logos and copyrights (^© 1994, WDI-Universalist Productions. All Rights Reserved) in place and barely covered by a pasted on Charlatan Design Authority sticker. Admittedly, this is a common practice amongst many in the "screw this themed entertainment monolith crap. I'm gonna start my own company!" crowd, but if we do it with an inner-attitude of deceit, it will have such a greater charlatan impact. Sure, they won't be fooled by this deception (well, maybe they will...poor sad fools that they sometimes are), but that's OK, too, as they are really hoping to hire a charlatan anyway.

So, there you have it: future success assured!

Of course, the one remaining element is start-up cash, and lots of it: no charlatan can work on the cheap, not when there is glory to be purchased or faked. We here at Charlatan Design Authority Central, of course, can only do so much for you in this scheme to take back the reins of themed design power. Like any good charlatan, what we here at the CDAC are "tasked" (a good, solid charlatan "noun as verb signifying noting" word, that) with doing is to show you The Way. Finding the venture capital to make it happen is your problem.

At first blush, this "becoming a crypto-charlatan/savior of worthwhile themed design guru for fun and substantial profit" scheme would seem to be something that no self-respecting venture capitalist would touch with a twelve-foot IPO, especially after most of them are still licking their wounds over all the dough they lost during the "digi-charlatan" Boom.dot.Bust years of the Internet. But it's because of that cutting edge debacle that I have hope for the success of this venture: yes, they really ARE that gullible, way down inside, especially when confronted with "geniuses" who do things that exist below the radar of their personal experience. How many fine and financially evil minds behind nearly 50 years of WDI-Universalism have been rushed to the accounting ward by and overdose of Pixie Dust (^® Walt Disney Imagineering, and don't you forget it)?

Without that sort of "I know what I'm doing (but, gadfrey, I really don't!) and I know a good investment when I see one (even when it isn't!)!" thinking, how else would the Internet, let alone the themed design racket, have survived, even thrived, for as long as it has?

Good luck, oh ye neo-crypto-Charlatan of the future! Your success is assured! By the way, we here at The Charlatan Design Authority will be taking full credit for all of your success. It's nothing personal, it's just a part of the charlatan lifestyle!

Writer, historian, technologist, Lawrence J. Lankershim is the president and scholar emeritus of The Lankershim Institute, a North Hollywood themed entertainment and design think tank. Mr. Lankershim is currently a "guest" of the U.S. Justice Department and will be leaving the fair city of Lompoc, CA, by next September.

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