The George W. Bush Presidnetial Museum
By [name withheld until after tax season is over]
Dear DeScope --RFP:I got this in the mail recently. Thought your readers might be interested . . .
Yours,
(NO NAMES, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!)
GEORGE DUBYA BUSH PRESIDENTIARY LIBRARY
(from the desk of the man hisself)
WARNING -- This here's one of them TOP SECRET documents. No leakin'. No peakin'. You're in or you're out.
Every other Presidential Library is this big ol' sumbitch that has all kinds of displays and exhibits and movies and shit like that for the public, and then this li'l ol' itty-bitty lounge area in the back for the good folks who help build the place with their generous contributions. Well, I'm gonna change all that, bet your ass. Instead of 90% public museum space, 10% Corporate Contributors Lounge, I say we flip-flop 'em -- my Library's gonna be a 90% Corporate Contributor's Meet, Greet and Eat Suite, and 10% museum. Hell, I am goddamn sick and tired with the whole idea of a bunch of "hand full o' gimme, mouth full o' much obliged" loud-mouth yokels gettin' in here for free (or for $13.50, like my daddy's museum) when they didn't pay squat to put up the place! Here's how I see it . . .
THE FORMERLY ENRON, NOW THE CARLYLE GROUP GOLDEN EAGLE PLATINUM PIONEER CONTRIBUTORS PRESIDENTIAL RECEPTION AREA AND LOUNGE
This'll take up most of the space. Minimum Contribution -- $500,000. We'll have big screen TV's with continuous sports events, waiters carrying baskets of 3 Mile Island Buffalo Wings, purty-little cocktail waitresses in skimpy outfits delivering complimentary cocktails -- Whoa, wait a minute, I'm describing a Hooters, ain't I? Hell, that's Clinton territory. Well, what the hell, I'm a uniter, not a divider. Let's go with it. This is where most of the bizness gets taken care of. However, I got me some ideas for other cool shit, too . . .
MEET THE PREZ
I figure this'd be a good place to build me one o' them Disney robots of myself that can refuse to answer questions about important issues of my time. It's inner-activated!
BOOKS N' SHIT
It is a library after all, so I'll have a special Plexiglassed-off area where I'll show all books I read when I was in the White House. U.S. History for Dummies, Bias (that's the Bill O'Reilly book I didn't color in), and the Curious George book where he goes into outer space.
AXIS O' EVIL PAINTBALL GAME
I figure by the time we build this sumbitch I'll pretty much have wiped out evil all over the world, why not let mah big money buds get their jollies shooting paintball guns at the Dune Goons? I'm sure we can get the National Rifle Association to pony up the bucks for this.
NUKE-A-MOLE
Speaks for itself. We're gonna incinerate those suckers, just like Bill Murray in "Caddyshack." Hell, we can license this and sell it all over the world to video arcades! See, that's the American enterprising spirit!
A BIG OL' STATUE OF JUSTICE SCALIA
Gotta thank that little spaghetti-bender for stopping them Debocrats from illegally counting all them actual disputed ballots.
DUBYA AIR FORCE ONE MOTION SIMULATOR THRILL EXPERIENCE
Hey, I thought o' this one mahseff. Folks get on what they think is Air Force One, see, only it's one of them motion simulators like they have at the mall with the "runaway skateboard adventure." Only this time, it's like that movie where Harrison Ford is President and terrorists take over the plane, and he ends up dukin' it out with them. When was Harrison Ford President? Was he before or after Martin Sheen?
THE REG'LAR MUSEUM FOR AVERAGE FOLKS
I figure this can be some big ol' blown up pictures of me at famous sporting events, and then a BIG OL' GIFT SHOP where folks can buy fake presidential cufflinks, and my memoirs that George Will is writing for me.
So there it is, Sports Fans. You in or out?
Your Beloved President,
-- Dubya
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