Designer Career Makeover!
by Otis Criblecoblis,
D.M.V., L' Institue Criblecoblis
It's easy . . . once YOU know the secrets! I've studied the secrets of "REAL THEME PARK GENIUSES" . . . and now I'm able to let you in on their secrets! Here's your first hint:
It's not what you know; it's what THEY THINK you know!
This is a course in "Advanced Perception Management."
Here's all you have to do:
1) PICK A COSTUME
- Every theme park genius needs an authentic "look." You need a costume that is YOURS and YOURS ALONE. It's vital this costume be DISTINCTIVE, ECCENTRIC, a little LOONY, and that it look great in press photographs. One more note -- you have to "dress down" in direct inverse proportion to how much the "suits" you work for "dress up."
EFFECTIVE COSTUMES FOR EVERYDAY WEAR
Loud Hawaiian shirts, grungy safari jackets, Negro League baseball jerseys, garage mechanic jumpsuits, `ER' hospital scrubs, etc.
FORMAL OCCASIONS
If the suits are in Brooks Brothers, you wear a stained rayon bowling shirt. If they're wearing Armani tuxes, you wear "surfin' baggies" and a filthy t-shirt from a grunge band rock and roll tour.
A WORD ABOUT CARS
Never be caught dead in a Jaguar, BMW, Lexus . . . anything a "suit" would drive. Your ride should be as weird as your costume. Starter choices include a `41 Ford "Woody", `56 gull-wing Mercedes, `59 "big fin" Caddy convertible....or an `84 Honda Accord with 300,000 miles on it (to show you've transcended the need to advertise your lofty status).
2) SPOUT ZEN-LIKE APHORISMS THAT SOUND PITHY BUT HAVE NO MEANING
- Here's a key part of creating the perception that you're a genius: INTIMIDATION THROUGH LANGUAGE (as opposed to authentic communication). You've got to utter `nuggets' of wisdom that seem to be true....that can't really be refuted, or even debated...and that elevate you to the status of "mystic." The fact that what you're saying means nothing actually works in your favor.
- "In the next century, buildings will learn."
"Design is environment, environment design."
"The sub-text of all great entertainment is the transcendence of mortality."
"Form doesn't merely follow function. Form IS function."
"Not only is less more, but nothing has become everything."
EXAMPLES (feel free to use these)
3) AVOID DOING ANYTHING
- Obviously, this is much easier if you're working for one of the big themed entertainment juggernauts. The minute you actually DO something, you open yourself to being trashed by other "geniuses." That's why your goal is to by-pass the "nuts and bolts" part of working in themed entertainment, and move DIRECTLY to the "Executive Vice President/Advisory/Blowhard" phase, where your job is to impede/interfere with/take credit for other people's work.
Your ultimate goal is burrow yourself into one of those eccentric, no-accountability positions that show up as sidebar items in Wired and Fast Company magazine, like "CULTURAL VISIONARY" or "VIBE EVOLVER." A QUICK WAY TO FIGURE OUT THE RIGHT JOB -- Does this job involve making speaking on panels about "Themed Entertainment In The Next Millennium"? If so, you're golden.
COROLLARY "A" TO POINT 3
To show you are a true cultural genius, CHAMPION IMPRACTICALITY. Why bother about "value per square foot" or whether guests exit through the merchandise area? YOU concentrate on the "design purity" of the Watts Towers, and/or the artistic merit of hiring Christo to wrap your entire theme park in butcher paper.
COROLLARY "B" TO POINT 3
Occasionally, you may be forced into doing something, to maintain your credibility. So how do you insure that you never jeopardize your genius status? Simple -- DISTANCE YOURSELF. Take as little responsibility as possible for the project. Then when things go horribly, horribly wrong (as they must on every themed entertaiment project), YOU CAN CLAIM YOUR BRILLIANT DESIGN WAS MANGLED BY PHILISTINES! If this works right, you can emerge from any disaster with "genius halo" intact!
4) CRITICIZE EVERYTHING MERCILESSLY
- How will anyone know you're an authentic genius unless you know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING? Every creative project involves choices, and compromises. No matter how great the project is, you can ALWAYS find something to savage, especially before it opens. This is a NO LOSE CHOICE for the Theme Park Genius. If the project turns out well, you can claim they listened to your "constructive criticism." If the project fails, you can assume that comfortable "I told you so" smugness that should be your "default" attitude about everything.
5) DEVELOP ACOLYTES
- Your best bet here are probably interns, under 23. Your job is to give them a sense of power by letting them bask in the sunshine of your genius. Their job is to give your burgeoning "cult of personality" critical mass . . . and, of course, since every CEO secretly feels he's "out of touch" with the sullen slackers his company caters to, adoring young people give you even more credibility with the boss.
See how easy that is? There's really nothing to it! All you really need is a little chutzpah, a tiny bit of imagination, and the ability to inspire false confidence in insecure financial types. Then you're ready to step up to those REALLY BIG BUCKS . . . THAT REALLY BIG TITLE . . . AND THOSE REALLY WARM TOWELETTES they give you when you travel first class!
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