By Otis Criblecoblis
"KETCHUP-LAND" will be a 971 acre theme park in Orlando, Florida that celebrates "not just ketchup itself, but the entire mythology of ketchup as a meal-enhancing family-friendly life-style experience." These are the words of Jack Pander, President of the National Ketchup Advisory Board, and the prime creative force behind the park.
"The previous Board looked at ketchup, and just saw a lot of gooey red stuff you put on a cheeseburger. They lacked VISION. I came to this job with a MISSION," said Pander.
"I want to take ketchup to the next level. I'm interested in ketchup not as a food, but as an EMOTION. This is a substance that is part and parcel of the American Dream, that's right there with us from baby's first hot dog to the meatloaf at grandpa's funeral buffet. All I want to do is LEVERAGE that emotion and SELL THE EXPERIENCE in the same way that Nike leverages the emotion of athletics to sell sneakers."
Pander's plan is nothing if not bold. The theme park itself features a state of the art roller coaster with two corkscrews, 5 vertical loops, a boomerang and 11 "snap rolls" called, appropriately enough, "THE BOTTLE ROCKET."
There's also a 75 million dollar signature animatronic spectacular called "THE KETCHUP EXPERIENCE." This show traces the history of ketchup, beginning with its invention by the ancient Romans as "gag blood" for wacky party re-creations of the death of Julius Caesar. Then it's on Leonardo Da Vinci, who invented the squeeze bottle. After that, Thomas Jefferson takes center stage. We learn of his fight to add an 11th Right the Bill of Rights -- the "Freedom from Unreasonable Seizure of Ketchup." Unfortunately, some rabble-rousing mustard partisans from New York squelched it. Then it's on to the invention of those annoying individual plastic packets (by Thomas Edison), and finally the show's climactic epiphany -- the commitment by NASA to put a bottle of ketchup on Mars by the year 2010. Narrated by Charlton Heston, THE KETCHUP EXPERIENCE will feature an original song ("Ambrosia of the Night") by Andrew Lloyd Webber and showcase a multi-media re-creation of Ketchup's greatest moment -- when the Reagan Administration declared it a vegetable.
An IMAX theater will show an original 3-D film, KETCHUP -- BOTTLE FULL O' DREAMS (co-sponsored by Oscar Meyer and McDonalds) that will actually take the guest INSIDE a taste bud as it explodes with pleasure when it comes in contact with ketchup (an in-theater effect showers guests with a light drizzle of spittle). The "Kap'n Ketchup Action Stunt Spectacular" is a hugely ambitious outdoor amphitheater show that follows the mythic Kap'n Ketchup as he tries to foil the evil, vaguely foreign "SalsaMonster" from taking over the "Kingdom of Kondiments."
The Hands-On Interactive Ketchup Tasting Pavilion features Ketchups of Many Nations, as well as the crimson-colored, bottle shaped home of the "Kenny and Kathy Ketchup" walk-around characters.
The park features a nightly Laser Light Show called "POUR IT ON!" and also a high-tech walk-through, where, through the miracle of computer electronics, guests can actually sample "Virtual Ketchup."
The KETCHUP-LAND MERCHANDISE MANIA MART features everything from t-shirts to a ketchup-red HumVee. In between, you can find logo baseball caps, plush versions of Kenny and Kathy Ketchup, silk jackets, ketchup-stained neckties, a special edition collectors' "Ketchup-Kolored Barbie," and stained-glass windows depicting great moments in the history of ketchup. Of course, you can also buy the product itself, in glass, squeeze plastic or keepsake decanter bottles, in aerosol cans, and even in a special CD-ROM configuration.
"I have no doubt that Ketchup-Land will become the most popular theme park in America," says the ebullient Jack Pander. "And of course if this works, it's only the beginning. We're already developing a spectacular series of "PLANET KETCHUP" restaurants, where diners can actually see famous ketchup bottles that were possibly handled by Bruce Willis, Wayne Gretzky, and/or Madonna. After that, we'll be in Times Square with our 36,000 square foot KETCHUPMEGA-STORE, which, besides the obligatory retail space, will include the Ketchup Kable Network Satellite Broadcast Center. Programs for this 24 hour a day broadcast service ("It's the ultimate niche!" says Jack Pander) will include cooking shows, Hollywood life-style segments tied into ketchup, an original two hour ketchup-based rock and roll video program called "KTV," and the Home Ketchup Shopping Show.
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