By C. Whitney Craven,
3rd Associate CFO,
The Walt "Thank God He's Dead Or We'd All Be Driving Parking Trams" Disney Company
The place is a masterpiece!
It is the very first theme park conceived by, designed by, and built by sober, responsible accounting types, like a certain yours truly. Yep, we've finally shoved aside all those snide, Hawaiian-shirted, over-spending, so-called "creative" Brainiacs at Imagineering and banished their insane, self-indulgent profligacy.
You want innovation in theme park design? This park has it. To wit:
FEWER ATTRACTIONS
- "Attractions" are the bane of theme park economics. They represent "OUTGO." Oh sure you need them, I guess, because the TV advertising needs to show people doing something. But there must be as few -- no, make that FEWER -- than possible. This park has 1/3 (!) the number of attractions as Disneyland, and we're getting the same $$$ to get in! Genius!
DOWNSCALED ATTRACTIONS
- Okay, if you're going to charge $43 to get in, I guess you have to have a smattering of "entertainment-like matter" to break up the retail and dining opportunities But those attractions have to be as CHEAP and GENERIC as possible, to make economic sense. Here's where California Adventure really shines! Unlike Space Mountain, which nestles a roller coaster inside a ridiculously expensive, one-of-a-kind themed building, Paradise Pier features a roller coaster that's JUST A ROLLER COASTER! AND THERE'S ONLY ONE OF THEM! Brilliant! The rest of the attractions here are like something bought off a bankrupt roadside attraction/petting zoo. EXACTLY RIGHT! This park puts it's $$$ where its heart is -- in money-spinning retail outlets hawking over-priced plush, and food outlets vending $8 burritos.
Other innovations abound!
- There's a California Adventure Audio-Animatronics® show WITHOUT THE AUDIO-ANIMATRONICS®!!! Who needs 'em?!? The savings on WD-40 alone will be in the millions! There's a brilliant use of pre-leveraged assets like Muppets 3-D (10 years old) and the animation tour film from Florida starring Walter Cronkite and Robin Williams (12 years old). These yokels have never been to Florida, right?
The one true disappointment in this park is Soarin' Over California, a new attraction and return to the "bad old days" of over-spending that includes an original film and a new ride system. Don't know how this got approved, but I'm certain all involved have been given a "generous" severance package.
Now we come to my favorite part of the park -- WORKPLACE. This is Michael Eisner at his finest. When he retires, he'll be remembered as the man who charged guests $43 to visit buildings CREATED AND PAID FOR BY SPONSORS! Can you image someone paying eight dollars to walk into a movie theater to watch a two-hour McDonalds commercial? And yet Eisner's doing that here! Of course, there's entertainment value. Guests can watch wine ferment, vegetables grow, and tortillas being made! There's your "photo op" right there! Okay, so it's a little boring, but that just drives them into the nearest retail outlet, doesn't it?
Speaking of retail -- thanks to persistent numbers-crunchers like myself, that's what this park is all about. THIS TIME WE GOT IT RIGHT. After guests park in our "Tomb Of The Unknown Motorist" parking lot, they get in trams and are deposited -- oh, this is beautiful -- not in front of the parks, but in front of a gigantic DISNEY STORE!
CHA-CHING!
Once they pay their $43 and walk into California Adventure, where do they find themselves? IN A PLAZA OF RETAIL STORES!
CHA-CHING!
Where did all our themeing dollars go? In the pre-show of Soarin? No, dummy, IN THE RETAIL STORES!
CHA-CHING!
One particularly dense critic has accused Mr. Eisner and the Disney organization of "charging the public $43 to enter a not-even-highly themed outlet mall."
Duh!
And your point is?
What self-respecting CEO would pass up an opportunity like this? This is "branding" at its finest. Slap the brand on whatever you can get away with and hire minimum wage-slaves to keep the suckers in line! Mr. Eisner has taken the dollars normally squandered on attractions, entertainment, and themeing and put them where they'll do the most good -- in the pockets of shareholders.
So after this breathtaking revolution in theme park design, what's left? Only one breakthrough remains. If we can somehow figure out a way to "convince" state authorities (with a few well-placed campaign contributions) that Disney's California Adventure is built on a sacred Indian burial ground, we could tear out what attractions are there and replace them with big-income-bucks-per-square-foot gambling halls and bingo parlors -- built and paid for by the Native Americans themselves, of course!
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